Sometimes Andre’ is a pain in the butt. Oh, very sorry, Andre’ is my Fuji X100s and my Camera Soul Mate. Yo’ hold up now. My other cameras are certainly my friends and they have names too but Andre’ the Fuji X100s in my Soul Mate.
Here’s how it all started. It was May 20th 2014. I got a brain call… oh, sorry, some people call this mental telepathy, others call it intuition, my shrink calls it, 30 days to cool down. Anyway, I was watching CNN and I got a brain call. My brain accepted the call and it was from some camera in NYC. So, my brain just being back from vacation said,”take this call shooter”. So I did.
On the other end of the line, now I don’t know if it’s actually a line like I’m giving youse right now but it’s something. Shooter, this is Fuji X100s and I’m stuck in a damn box in B&H Camera Store in NYC. I’m Black and I need you to buy me cause otherwise you will never make a good photograph as long as you live and in the here after every shooter will shun you. Well, I gotta tell ya’s, that kinda haunted me for about 3 minutes and then I sad to the camera stuck in a box in B&H camera store in NYC….how do I know your the real thing? I gota goodz cameras, Leica’s all over and a darkroom and digital cameras and computers… so what makes you think I’m gonna buy anything your saying?
The camera stuck in the box in B&H camera store in NYC said to me, shooter, I am your Soul Mate. I kinda shivered cause some woman I married said that to me and well, …anywayz…. So I pulled the card and paid for the camera… you know which one already. In case ya just arrived, just read back a little and it will be explained about the camera stuck inside a box in B&H camera store in NYC….
I know I get overnight shipping from B&H without extra cost from UPS. Soo I tried to settle down and get some sleep…………………………….snore…snore…toss….turn……racing thoughts again…..snore…..
I had a good night sleep thinking about my camera….uh huh… got ya….. I mean 1 hour is always enough to be tired all day and stay on the couch watching CNN while waiting fir UPS to bring my new Soul Mate home. Ding Dong…. it took me 2.445677965 seconds to get my ass off the couch, into fight mode to the door and open it. I sign the ipaddy thingy and the UPS guy says….. good luck sir, this box wouldn’t stop talking all the way from NYC. Yup, he said it kept saying…yipee I’m going home….yup….yippee…..
I looked at him and told him my DR would love to have a conversation with him about this…. he smiled and left. I sit the box on the table and just look at it. Then.. very slowly I can see the box move a little…gasp…..! I extend a hand cautiously to the box… slowly I moved my hand to the box…. breathing deep… eyes wide shut…..then… all the sudden.. the tape holding the box together starts to unravel itself…. slowly as the box moves by itself, and the tape unraveling a voice… I look around.. no one home… me brain… not home either soooo I listen
Shooter, get your ass over here and cut this box open and get this tape off. Do I have to do everything?
Look, I was in the Army, the Infantry. You learn to take orders and if Sgt says drop, your ass is on the ground before he said it. So I followed orders and slowly cut the box open with my trusty Buck Side Kick. Inside was another box, oh my… not again… please, me head hurted already and my brain isn’t on site. Well, it’s a Black Box that says Fujifilm on it. I reach down and ever so slowly, carefully… meticulously place my hands on the box. The box shakes just a little… and the voice says… shooter, open the damn box, I’m waiting inside. So I do it, I’m damn 11B and shit nothing on THE LORDS green earth scares me anymore. I open the box and there lying all wrapped up in plastic and cushioned like jewelry is a Black Fuji X100s just looking at me.
The I hear the camera coughing… I said what’s the problem. The camera says, ever see those signs about not covering your head with plastic….? I said, of course…. WELL THEN GET THIS RKJKHAFO;LASYKRZDHFL OAWLIYHFC PLASTIC OFF OF ME, i CAN’T BREATHE. So I take the plastic off and the camera breathes a sigh of relief. It says to me, let’s get a few things straight. I am a male. Care to see my Male Camera Organ? No thanks… I smiled. Never seen a camera penis and really don’t want to anyway. Camera says, ok you need to charge a battery and I said I have like 10 from your Grandpa X100… and I have one charged already.
I slip the charged battery into the yet unnamed male black camera. I turn the switch on and he says, do the settings like time and date and I got the rest. Now, I’m wondering what was in those mushrooms Tanya made for dinner but I gotta tell ya, I hope she has more cause this is a trip and a half.
So the camera says to me…shooter, word all across the world is that you name your cameras and recognize the contribution that we cameras make with your photos. I said yes, I am sensitive to the needs of cameras and well as they are sensitive to me.
The camera says to me… ok, what’s my name? I said to the camera, your name is Andre’ after Andre’ Kertesz.
……………………………………….. more tomorrow if your interested and if you’re not, how come………..