Tag Archives: Eye, Heart & Mind

Battling Depression

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Moods are the very key to accepting your work and maybe your life. What I’m getting at is, being aware of your emotional state lets you live with and accept the who you are.  I see it like this…..there is a normal state of depression, a happy depression and a sad depression. There are divided sub states of depression in between each main category listed.

I am not a shrink or trained professional so take what I say as a well learned and lived patient. I didn’t learn from textbooks, web info, lectures or anything like that. I learned from the other side of the couch the pros sit on.

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I know a few things. I know that what gets me going photographically, is finding my emotions on the street. Yeah, i been told I have no heart, no feelings. Agreed, I’m an idiot and thats why I make photos. I want to find my emotions out there. Maybe connect with myself and see how I fall in line with others and the world. Isn’t that what most of us want? To see how we fall in place with the world?

See, that’s where I have a problem. I was never the one to fit in. I was never the right cog that helps to make things move. Well, not so true. I’ve mentored enough people to know that I have helped them get into shape with their art. Photography.

I’ve been asked a number of times why I make so many strange photos. Why dark, loneness and kinda out of the mix. Well, in my current state of depression, (subject to change at a moments notice without warning), I think that I always wanted to be true to my self. Well, within the framework of WHO I perceive myself to be and the expectations of what or who I perceive I will or should become.

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See, there are many variables in life and that’s what makes it interesting to live or die. It’s also one cause of depression.

Look at it like this. If you allow the masses to effect what and why you do what you do, in time, you’ll get depressed because you sacrificed your inner individuality to meet the common preconceptions of the masses so that you fit or attempt to fit in. This is a very common situation. You go to social media and you send photos yo your site and it’s a shower of instant gratitude to make you feel better. Congrats because you are well on your way to being the shooter everyone says that is great.

I’m not being cynical because really, I don’t give a fuck about that shit and I don’t give a fuck about what I’m writing either. That does not discount the truth of the matter and that is that social media, that we ultimately allow to direct, effect, affect, control, support, destroy, love, hate, and get DEPRESSED about, exist and we need to find a way to deal with it.

We need to dissect our motives of why we make photos. Not the HOW of what we are doing but the WHY. If we don’t address this and many wont, what will happen is that we will fall into the dark abyss of uncertainty where all the shooters that do things because others give them gratitude perish.

You wanna talk about depression? That’s hell and depression is the escape from there. Think that no matter how deep your depression gets, it’s a scratch on the surface of  the abyss of uncertainty. This is the turning point.

The anti-I do my life for you shit..

You wanna talk about bright sun, F11 1/500 ISO 200……..this may not be the place for you.

If your interested in trying to find yourself and maybe discovering something about me, well… maybe this is a good spot. No promises.

I know this. I Make photos because I have to. The ones I really feel a connection to are usually the ones others don’t respond to or understand. I used to get upset about that.

It added to my depression and I would feel like I didn’t fit in. Then one day a long time ago in a far off galaxy, I decided…..I’m in this for me. I love to share but I’, make photos for me and I’ll die with my camera in my hand……

ohhhhh don’t worry, I’m coming back and real soon too………..

 

 

STREETS OF PHILADELPHIA … A VISUAL DIARY … PAGE 67 … FUJI X100T

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So I been having Issues with Word Press. I won’t get into it cause my anger level is about 1400 pts above the safety valve. It ain’t a pretty picture when I get the anger going.

Anger management class, been going for a long time…. bullshit, outta my way dudes. Word Press started a war and I am in it for keeps.

I did get to the streets and make some photos. I went with Andre’ the Fuji X100T. Ya know he’s a great friend and does what ya want a camera to do. I mean as long as ya like the 35mm FOV.

So I met Polly again and she is still concerned in finding images that mean something to her. She’s been thru the wringer with cameras and usually goes for good quality in all respects and also ask me what I’m using a few days before we meet. Hmmmm, maybe that’s why she always has the same as me when we meet. It’s ok, her findings with the Leica M’s was similar to mine. I love the cameras, always did for almost 50 years. I just can’t focus the Range Finder anymore. Vision combined with tremors and the Fuji X100T is a life saver.

Polly is concerned with acceptance syndrome. It’s an affliction that most fall prey to from time to time. Oh, don’t get me wrong. I live in that illness. I’m so used to it that it doesn’t really bother me anymore but I am totally aware of it.

See, when the affliction is running rampage thru your mind and everything else, all you think about is having gratification from others to justify what your doing. Maybe we all need that. I mean, FaceBook, Flickr, 500px and all the other sites capitalize upon this illness. You shoot and process and then post to your places and hunger for the attention from others. It’s normal and there’s nothing wrong with it but…..you have to make sure that you are staying true to your vision and not shooting to satisfy others.

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There’s a definite satisfaction getting props from others. There’s a mature satisfaction getting what you feel and see as yourself. It’s real nice to have others FAV or make a Comment on your work. Very nice. It’s better, for me, to see my work as what I feel represents me. I mean, making a photo with the camera and bringing it to light and loving it, is the most rewarding feeling there is. Well, unless you do all that and others love it too. Maybe that’s kinda cool, for sure but you can’t let that stop you or detour you from finding yourself.

I hope this finds you all in good health and surrounded by peace.

I’ll be back…………….

 

 

Streets of Philadelphia … A Visual Diary … Page 61 … Observations of Lost Innocence

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Tacony Flea Market, Phila. 2005

We are a product of our environment and our work is a product of us. Now that may seem like a generalization and maybe it is but it’s true nonetheless. I was looking at Amira Issmail’s work again and I thought how innocent she is and her work. Now obviously, she’s an adult and a beautiful lady but she presents her work in a way that is pure joy.

What I mean is, Amira has a way of working that is void of attitude and jaded from the environment of the human condition. https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC5iotgw9USPLu5gKfxrw82A I find it interesting in this day and age that someone could be almost clean of attitude and their presence in their work. You can see her work on the Inspired Eye FB page and others places. Just look and see what I’m talking about.

So I was wondering when and where I lost my photographic innocence and I realized, I can’t lose what I never had.  Muddy said that and he’s right. I’m kinda envious becaue everything I do is , I guess jaded for lack of a better word and this effects what and how and why I do it.

I never got to see the world with starry eyes and glitter all arround. I’m not saying Amira does either. What I’m saying is, Amira and I’m sure many others have the ability to work in any environment and see the joy of living. The simple but delicious things around and that others don’t even think or feel or even care about. This is a very precise meaning for making images.

To share with others how and why  you see what you see.

Anyway, Serendipity comes home tomorrow and the guys on the camera shelf are excited and so am I.

Have a blessed weekend……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

Streets of Philadelphia … A Visual Diary … Page 58 … Olympus Pen F… Life Lessons

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With all the shot going on around the world, there is a growing distance between countries and it’s peoples. The thing is, I don’t give a shit about the politicians. They have been robbing and fucking over the people for far too long. My concerns lay with people. You know the human being type. The citizens of the EARTH. Fuck no, I’m not naive at all. I’m just awake and aware of life going on around me. There is a growing distance between people and it’s not racial, religious, political or any of the obvious things. The distance seems to be the essence of the heart. Looks like people, including me, as hard as that is to believe, are losing touch with their heart.

So, if in fact, that is true and it is and you will believe it, then how is someone to relate to anyone else if they can’t relate to themselves?  Shooters try to find photos and things of interest that translate well to the medium of photography.

One of the things I get ticked about is the reality of the subject vrs the reality of the print. This brings into play, the concept of Intent. If we address the idea of being a photographer, an observer and recorder of life, then we have to accept the resonsibility of what our photos are and what they do or at least what we would like them to do. Maybe this means that our photos have an inherit intent that maybe we implant in them.

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I think and this is subject to change at a moments notice, that it’s about the Purpose of Reality and the Reality of Purpose. That interprets to the idea of Intent. I know, I’m fixated on intent and rightly so. I have lived my life the best I could being aware that I am alive in a certain place in a certain time, called the Here and Now. The beautiful part of this has been that I usually have a camera with me. Many times when this awareness overcomes me, I make a photo. When I see the image in LR, I start to anyalize it and try to define what the moment was and is for me. I make the visual adjustments to get what I feel or felt or both into the image so that othrs can see what and how I was feeling.

This brings into play the idea of straight photography and that’s a bunch of pure shit. If people can’t see the photograph as it’s own reality, move on and away from me.

Faces & Spaces

 

I’m exhausted and will continue this shortly. These are just things I learned as a human being with a camera. Mayne you are interested and maybe not. That’s your decision. I will lay it on the line here and youse decide to take it of leave it. I tell you this, I will continue and hopefully you will too.

I am open for comments and suggestions and even conversations if ya have the mind to get into this.

Have a blessed journey and may all good things come your way. May you never have to sneak a camera in the house again.

Streets of Philadelphia … A Visual Diary … Page 55 … Olympus Pen F … Street Life

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The temperature dropped and the wind picked up and it felt cool but not too cold. It’s the kind of weather that I wear a sweatshirt and a jacket. I’m cruising around Market street and I go thru the tunnel and look to my left, I see this guy sitting there in the dark. It’s very low light. I walked thru into the light. I stopped. I wondered if this guy even knew where he was. I wondered if I knew where I was. Was he wondering if he knew when he or I was? Is it my concern or business? Fucking A-Diddly.

So, Serendipity  tugged at my hand and insisted I go back to make a photo. The thing is, sometimes I get a gut reaction instantly, looking at something/someone. If I continue to walk away from this scene, what happens is that I get a sick feeling in my stomach. Kinda like eating sour kraut and drinking milk. Yeah, you too huh. Well, I got this feeling many times in the past and when I made the photo, it was always one I want to remember. Isn’t that the beauty of photography? Well, sure nuff…. that feeling came to me quick and now, oh yeah….. now I be smart enough not to drink milk and eat sour kraut together. I think I am smart enuff to recognize that feeling and go back and I did.

I wondered how in this age with all the millions and millions being spent on election bullshit and everything else, how could a man, a human being be so alone, so forgotten to be sitting in his own urine in a dark corner? I don’t have an answer and most don’t want one anyway.

 

So, Adobe was kind enough to release an ACR update for LightRoom.  Well, I been shooting jpegs and at first they are awesome. Then in a little bit of time, they are ok. Then just before I was going to abandon the Olympus Pen F, I can now do RAW. Well, I gotta say that the RAW files are specrtacular. It is really very nice indeed. The photo above was RAW and the tones and detail are incredible. Hard to see on the web but on my screen, sure as heck glad I didn’t sell Serendipity.

Have a blessed journey and hepp your eye, heart and mind awake……

……………………………………………..shooter out………………………………………………………..

Streets of Philadelphia … A Visual Diary … Page 51 … Investigating the Olympus Pen F … Observations

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Some say I’m weird naming my cameras. I suppose to those whose heart is buried up their poop shoot, I may seem that way. Naming my camera is a metaphor for my love of photography. My love of photography is a metaphor for my love of life. So in fact then who’s the weird one in the end? Not I says Shooter. I name my cameras. I get excited being in the here and now on the street. I LIVE photography. It defines who I am as a Human Being. What defines you is not what you leave behind. Friends, Family etc. they do not define you and they do not exit stage left when you do. What defines you is what you are while you are here on the planet.

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Photographers are lucky if they are tuned into their life and life on the planet. We as photographers have the gift, of showing what the planet looked like while we were on it, above ground. So does that negate all reasons for making photos except for memories? Don’t look at me, I’m asking you. I ain’t about to have a one-way conversation here. Youse don’t get off that easy. Ok we make a deal.Youse read and think and I’ll write what I’m thinking and feeling. If youin’s feel the need to add to the conversation, see down there that little box that says,….”Comments”…well use it.

 

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Ok, now that that’s out of the way, may we continue. No, not youse, me and the others inside my head. They are going nuts up there. At least I don’t have racing thought too much anymore. Oh, don’t get it wrong. I got many thoughts cooking up there but now that I’m older, they all take their time and no racing crap anymore.

So, Serendipity and I went out for a walk-a-bout and it was kinda cold. I kept her warm against my chest and we just got into a groove. Now, getting into a groove requires the shooter to be aware that they are in the here and now and aware of their intent. If there exist any intrusions, well… go paint the garage. That will be more productive and won’t leave you in a bad state of disappointment.

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I’m told by one of those restless voices up top that I have to chat about Serendipity for a bit. It’s true, it’s true. Sometimes I wish I was a normal shooter and thought about my cameras as tools. It would be so easy to be detached and just use it when needed and not give much thought to the emotional stance of the camera.

Problem for me is, my cameras are not tools. They are my friends. I do feel them that way and I do care about what emotional state they are in. Serendipity is the case in point. She represents all that I am and all that MOTHER LIGHT is and all that photography is every second of my life. How dare I not have a fitting name?!

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The Pen F for sure has Mojo instilled in it. Maybe I’m just infactuated because it’s the first camera in decades that makes me want to use a finder. It’s true.

I am a screen shooter because of the placement of the image on the screen in time and space. There is nothing as accurate or stimulating as using a screen. It’s like seeing your print forming in 3D reality. You have both eyes open and you have a sense of DEPTH and the flatness of the 2D image on the screen. There is nothing more accurate. NOTHING.  Serendipity has me using the finder and it’s not like I never used one before. I used many and many different styles. 45 years on the Leica M and I’d still be there if I could focus the damn camera. I can’t. Tremors and vision and screen time.

The EVF is very sharp and very bright and even has an adjustment to change the brightness of the finder. It’s left side mounted and that’s crucial for eyes wide open. I always hated center mounted finders. First time I used one was in Nam. I made friends with a chap from OZ. His name was Jock and we got real close.He was a gret shooter, with a camera. One day Jock came to me and asked me to watch his Nikon F. He had a 105mm 2.5 on it and a few lenses. All in a combat carry satchel. Anyway, I looked at the camera and cot kinda shook up. I mean as I looked thru, it was evident to me that the image I was looking AT was a 2-dimensional image.  I hated that. My Leica gave me an image I could look THRU not AT. So I hated the SLR and all of it’s offspring forever. I still do. Jock didn’t make it and I was extremely saddened. So, I took his camera home with me. Just 3 years ago, I got in touch with one of his daughters and I sent the camera to her.

Olivier will arrive at my place tomorrow morning for about 5 days to do some work we need to get done. Friday morning we are going to Bill’s house to hang out. Who’s Bill? If you get the magazines, you’ll know in a few issues.If you don’t well… borrow an issue cause Bill will be a most interesting read.

Be blessed my friends…………………………………………….. end transmission…………………………………………………………………………………………………..

Streets of Philadelphia … A Visual Diary … Page 47 … Investigating the Olympus Pen F

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It was a bad night sleep again. I think the ghost and demons decided to allow me to have some peace of mind. Well, I didn’t sleep anyway because Serenity the Pen F was dancing in my mind. I ws restless cause the new girl was enticing and I wanted to be with her.  So awoke and sipped a cup of Coffee, actually inhaled is proper. Can ya believe it, rain. I mean rain that teases you. See, the rain that is pouring, well we all know to stay home and watch HSN and fall asleep on the couch. The teasing rain is the kind that just is a very light drizzle. It’s not reall rain but it teases and tempts you to come out. So, what happens usually is, ya get out in the  teasing rain and say, “Yeah, I got this”. Then, well the plumber has a sense of humor causethen the RAIN starts. Your camera has to be sheltered etc.

I had teasing rain and decided that above all, I will spend time with Serenity and keep her protected from rain, mother rapers, father rapers and politicians running for  President.

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OOC

I follow MU43.com because I lived there a few years as Admin. I like some of the people there and i read comments about things. I generally know that if I read a negative comment about something, then it’s perfect for me.

See, all over the web, ppl are saying the front dial on the Pen F is a mistake. NOOOOOO! It’s perfect if you are a shooter and not a camera critique. I am not a jpeg shooter usually. I do raw. The Pen F isn’t supported by Adobe yet for some reason. What I do like is…. Most times I like to see my screen in B&W. There are times I want to see it in color because I want to. This doesn’t mean I’m doing jpeg, it just means I want to see the screen the way I feel and not have to get my manual out and find in the menu how to do that.

The dreaded front dial does this instantly. The placement is also under criticism. Bunk! With the camera at the eye, your finger goes right to the front dial without searching and then,,, Eureka! I can change from B&W to Color in an instant and see how I desire to without taking a course in the camera. I am actually doing  jpeg with the Pen F and I use that front dial to see how Serendipity sees. It’s a beautiful collaboration.

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OOC

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So, Oly calls the front dial the creative dial and they are right. It’s not in the way, it’s where  it needs to be to be creative with it. Just think about photos and whay you want to do and don’t look for flaws others are dwelling on. There is always negative and positive energy. The on/off switch is under fire. Well, for me, it’s perfect. It’s out of the way and never gets used accidently and only when you need it. It rolls very nice and has a sweet line on it so you know by looking if you are on/off.

The need for a grip. NADA!

I like a camera to be a part of me. I want to feel it become at one with me and not as if it were a tool. Now be nice in yer thoughts. Serendipity the Pen F is a female. Why, Oly named her a Female. Pen F is F = Female. it’s not Pen M = Male or Pen TG = Transgender. So I love females. I have a few in my life. Imagine that. When you are with a female, (ladies may even think of the camera as Male, that’s an individual choice but I’m writing this and I’m with my girl Serendipity so she’s a Female and youse do what the hell you want I’m just saying you need to name your camera and gender is important in developing your relationship)

So there’s a gentle feeling holding the Pen F. She kinda likes to slide a little in my fingers. Most don’t like this and want a grip. I don’t. I used LeicaM’s for decades and never had a grip issue.

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So far there’s only 1 thing I am uneasy about. The Screen. Yes. it’s bright and sharp. Yes, it’s a nice size and does what you need, easily. It’s articulated and moves around nicely and you can do selfies. It tilts and all ya want. I just wish it tilted at the camera position and not have to swing out. I learned about tilting screens from Ray Sachs and the Sony Nex 5 we were both using. With that, you just tilted the screen and you were still discreet. With this on the Pen F, you swing it out and your not as discreet anymore.

It is by no means a deal breaker but a little thing that may bug me later. I’ll chat with my shrink and my screen shrink mentor Ray and try to resolve it.

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OOC

This is not a review. Please don’t think I care about reviewers causeI don’t. This is an ongoing investgation with findings from me. If you know anyone from Philadelphia you will understand what I am about to say. If not, you will anyway.

The Olympus Pen F is BANGING. I’ll post more shortly and hopefully you can get out of this what I do.

Be blessed my friends…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

Streets of Philadelphia … A Visual Diary … Page 41 … Ricoh GRII … One ShoT pEr ShOOt

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So Mom and I are out trying to find some photos. That’s right. Trying to find. See, there are photos all over out there. Oh, sorry. Please forgive my rudeness. Mom is the name of my Ricoh GRII. Anyway, we went for a walk and was waiting for some photos to greet us. See, if you aren’t open minded and open hearted, then you’ll spend your life seeking photos. That’s ok but then you miss all the photos that are trying to find you. Yes, that’s right. They want to be found by you so you may bring them to life.

Here’s an example. Your walking around looking at everything in existence near you. That’s a chore in itself. Then you see something and click. I know everyone here is tuned into things enough to realize that this is not a one-way relationship. Sure, we all know that Photography is a 2 way and reciricol relationship. That’s common knowledge. So why amI writing this? Good question and I can’t really answer it either. I think each of you can answer for yourself. All except that guy in the blue shirt. He’s a sculptor not a shooter.

So as I was walking I felt that brisk cold air on me cheeks. The face cheeks, ok. Ya know, the light in Winter here in Philly has a very special feel to it. It’s crisp and clear. Lighting things harshly but also gently. The shadows are never so alive as in the winter. I was watching the shadow play all over the place and then out of nowhere. This wall was put up on Market to block the entrance to theGallery. Ed Bacon would have a knipshun. So I saw the shadows dance against the wall and it was beautiful. The shapes and intensity varied by the second as the light changed. I was watching and then all the sudden….CLICK!

Streets of Philadelphia … A Visual Diary … Page 36 … Ricoh GRII … One ShoT pEr ShOOt

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Well, I’m off and running with this 1 shot per shoot thingy. I agreed with myself that the only criteria for the photo used for the shoot is that I like it. No matter about what others think or by any preconceptions I may have about my work. I just have to like it.

It’s the act of realizing my intent and seeing it come to life as the image. Yo, you don’t get off the hook that easy. It’s the same for you or for all. We all need to hold ourselves accountable in life. Yes, damn sure does mean in photography too. So I actually hold myself accountable for my work BUTT!

I have a shrink and he knows all of us, umm, all of me. So I can be accountable and at the same time blame myself for not doing that. USA Shrink approved.

The world seems to be becoming introverted, well from what I can see. People seem to be withdrawing into themselves and smaller groups. It’s like no one wants any outside interference. As an observer, it’s very awkward. As an observer with a camera, it’s downright unsettling. The difference is that for most people, they may see this withdrawn state and not pay much attention to it or the causes. For observers with a camera, we pay close scrutiny to the because we observe with a clear intent of seeing and feeling and capturing the scene.

That’s what I felt with this photo. I felt this guy withdrawing unto himself and just shutting out the world. I was right in front of him, camera ready and he didn’t see me or worse he did see me and didnt give a shit. So I moved around to the bach and felt that this was a better stance. It shows him and it shows me. Both in a shared here and now but, hedidn’t know that.

Seeya’s soon…………… shooter out………………………………………………….

 

 

 

Streets of Philadelphia … A Visual Diary … Page 33 … Ricoh GRII

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So, I was feeling some kinda way and I decided to take a well-deserved break from making photos.  I thought about poisoning my mind with CNN and BBC and just lay on the couch. I would watch everything carefully and sit Organic Green Tea and when Tanya came into the room, I would act sleeping. See, she doesn’t care if I just lay around, as long as I fix the wall, (2 years already) or do the dishes or clean the basement. She’s my wife and she does anything for me and takes care of me constantly. Well, her mind and my mind think differently. I have the mindsetthat I’m watching the news and she feels that I am a lazy shit.

Knock, knock. The front door. Who could that be. 45ACP in back of my belt. I open the door. Mail person says I have to sigh for the package. I didn’t order anything. I yells out…TANYA, I have to go to the toilet. Grab the package and run up to the bathroom.

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To be perfectly honest, I have no clue what’s in this package but I damn sure wanna find out. So I sit myself on the toilet seat. The safest seat in the house for me. I open the package with no expectations and there, there wrapped in bubble wrap, there in the middle is Roger’s Ricoh GRII.

See Roger is in Japan renovating a bldg he bought with Mary. Well, he didn’t get the bldg with Mary, he’s just married to Mary and maybe that means he did get the bldg with Mary. The point is that Roger has the GRII but had a problem with it that Ricoh fixed. I will not mention the problem because I love Ricoh cameras and the millions and millions of readers of this blog will panic and cause a financial disaster for Ricoh and the entire Japanese economy. I decide to withhold the problem to save Ricoh and Japan from certain disaster.

So I’m in the perfect place to open this box and see the GRII. So I charge the battery and set the camera down. I call Roger and let the phone ring 1 time. Well, he’s not there so I may as well test this out. Damn, I forgot to leave a message. Roger will never know I have his GRII here. Imagine that.

So I set out to hit the streets of Center City Philly and see what I can find. I gotta tellya, I always said that the Ricoh GRD4 was a camera killer. What I mean is that when I use it, I forget all about other cameras. Well, the GRII has a similar quality. It’s not as intuitive as the GRD4 but it has a nice way about it. Don’t get it wrong. I had the original GR and along with Wouter and Craig. We figure it out quickly and I had that dust issue and got rid of it.

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Anyway, I’m telling Roger that I wanna keep this one. This is one fine camera and if I chat with my shrink,  I might be able to forget about the past dust issues.

Yes, I love cameras. I see differently with each one. Why, because I have an open mind and heart. I am pre-naming this camera after Mom. Ruth. That’s assuming that I get to keep it and I trust Roger to allow that to happen. He insist that I use the M240 and 35mm Cron but truthfully, I do better with the X100s. Why of course, the Leica is a great camera and I have a few film M’s but at 66 with my essential tremors, I need AF. The Fuji gives me that and the M doesn’t.

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I don’t know what the Ricoh GRII will give me but I know one thing. It’s great to be out with my Mom again.

shooter out…………….end transmission……………….